Invisible
by Grlufear
Summary: Rory has gone crazy. Rory is out of character, so out of character in fact that I decided to make it AU (thanks for the suggestion). You've been warned.


Title: Invisible  
  
Author: Grlufear  
  
Pairing: well…Trory if anything  
  
Rating: R. Very Hard R  
  
Feedback: send to grlufeaar@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls characters. Frankly I think the owners would be very pissed about what I've done with them.  
  
A/N: This is a fic about Rory…gone crazy (didn't those dots really work up suspense). Not a light-hearted piece and mentions character death. Another strange one I think.  
  
**************  
  
You know you're not the first person to ask me why.  
  
Why my mother, who I had such a deep relationship with?  
  
Why my boyfriend, who I'd been dating for the past two years?  
  
Why him?  
  
Yeah I know, why can't I say his name? What can I say, I always felt something around him. In the end I guess I just couldn't handle it.  
  
You know what, screw it. That's too easy a definition. The last thing I want is to make it easy for you little white-coats to pigeon hole me.  
  
I guess you'll want to start with the beginning. Lorelai Gilmore, she was the first. I'd thought about it for ages really. After her the other two were like reflexes, not as much fun that way.  
  
She was always so fucking perfect. Everyone loved her, she was wild and kooky, a real 'life the party' and all that bullshit. I bet that's how they described her at the funeral. Old Patty got up there and said she was a 'fun person' who loved everyone. They wouldn't mention me. Luke wouldn't' have shown up, probably drowning his sorrows in his apartment. He'd give up his health kick for her wouldn't he?  
  
Was I jealous? Maybe. I mean I was the dowdy daughter. Everyone always looked at her first, everyone. She had the kind of body guys loved and she loved to show it off. I didn't have that edge so I was just left in the dust. I remember all the times she would prance around the house and I'd catch Dean checking her out.  
  
Like I said everyone always looked at her first. Except him. Yeah, he looked at me and wanted me. Not to just hold my hand or occasionally make out on my couch when Lorelai was late getting home. I'll never forgive him for that. I guess he'll never forgive me either, doesn't matter, him being dead and all.  
  
Anyways got a smoke? Yeah it's a new habit I picked up. I figure I'm never getting out of this place, why not pick up a bad habit. God knows I never had any of them before. Rory was always such a perfect angel.  
  
So yeah, I killed her. Because she was perfect. Because she was so damn kooky. Because she and my father never got together like I always hoped they would. Because she didn't marry Max so I could finally have a father. Mostly because it was a Friday and I was sick of her whining about not visiting grandma and grandpa.  
  
Bet they had a closed casket the way I messed up her face.  
  
Dean, well Dean was…not and accident…but not intended either. He'd come by (probably to give me a nice sending off) and well, he caught me at an inopportune time. Namely trying to remember where I'd decided to ditch the body in my late night mumbling.  
  
He screamed once, only once the bastard.  
  
I knew then that it was over. I was gonna get caught and locked up, or released to the custody of my grandparents. I mean they were rich after all and money pulls strings. I would be sent to some nuthouse. And see how right I was?  
  
So I thought I'd go to Hartford. Really I was intending to go to Chilton and end it all there. It's kind of fitting don't you think, to end it all at the beginning. I figured that this way they'd finally notice me. Plus everyone would pity me and I'd still be more important to them than Paris could ever hope to be. The stupid bitch.  
  
Chilton? Chilton was very…Chilton-y, I've never been anywhere like it before. I loved and hated it more than any place I've ever been. The teachers worked me like a dog because they really thought I could do perfect work…or they were trying to prove that I couldn't and that I was supposed to learn the lesson that nothings perfect. You know a serious kind of mind-fuck. I never could really figure it out, I tried, tried many times when I was sitting in that cold library puzzling over calculus.  
  
I hated the students. I hated every one of them. Them with their money and their beauty and their sexiness. I hated that none of them ever tried to know me. I was their for two fucking years and only five people knew more about me than I was a hard worker. Three of them hated me. All of them hate me now, I should know, I get their letters.  
  
Except for him. He doesn't hate me, but then he's not feeling much anymore these days now is her?  
  
Nobody ever believes this part.  
  
I didn't know he'd be there. Actually I thought he was still at boot camp. And before you ask, no, I still don't know why he was there, I never asked.  
  
So I break into the building the easy way, fist through glass. Chilton is a classy place, real glass, and not that cheap imitation plastic crap they've got in the public schools these days. I wanted to go to my locker one last time, and kick the shit out of it when it refused to open.  
  
I knew I'd tripped the silent alarms, it kinda sucked that they wouldn't find my body there on Monday, but, hey, can't have everything right?  
  
I didn't know he was going to be there. The minute I saw him I knew that I was royally screwed. His presence meant the police were already on their way so I was working on a shortened time scale.  
  
I don't regret killing him; I don't regret any of it. With him though it was nothing personal, just the wrong place the wrong time.  
  
Except it was personal. It was always personal with him because he always made it personal. He thought I was so blind but I wasn't! I just couldn't deal, I mean these things didn't happen to me. I was the plain one and hot guys didn't notice me and he was fucking with the natural order of things!  
  
I am calm!  
  
…Sorry, sorry. Where was I? I still remember him turning to me in the dark hallway. The way his eyes lit up and then faded. I'd always loved his eyes…and his mouth…and his rich boy conceit.  
  
His eyes widened then, when the knife entered his abdomen. He couldn't even call me by my name then, still Mary, always Mary. Perfect Mary. Blessed Mary. Mary who I could never be.  
  
I thought that for sure he'd love me then; I was finally everything he wanted. A fallen angel, unperfect, the way he'd wanted to make me. But no all I could see in his eyes was betrayal.  
  
As if his life meant anything, he didn't understand that I was freeing him. Freeing him from some horrible existence where he'd grow up to be his father. Who knows…I might have been his mother? And we'd send our little fuck-ups off to the same hellhole that had messed us up so badly. Pretend that we'd enjoyed the torture we'd endured there.  
  
I wanted to kiss him then. To prove to him that finally I wasn't afraid of how I felt. That now I could see that I wanted him, liked him even. Sometimes when the pills are wearing off, right before I come to talk to you, I think of the incredible fights we used to get in to.  
  
Still I don't regret it; I was saving him after all.  
  
I have to go now. My grandparents are coming soon. It's going to be a real treat. They'll sit and look at me, no speaking really. They'll pretend their happy to see me, when really they can't stop thinking that maybe they could have done something. Maybe if they hadn't pushed Lorelai away when she was younger, maybe if they had never financed my way to Chilton because then I wouldn't have been surrounded by those horrid children.  
  
I like to act like everything's normal. Like this is just another Friday night dinner and any second now Lorelai will bounce in and pick a fight with grandma. They'll humor me because of course that's what you do with psychos. The guilt is better that way.  
  
And finally someone fucking notices me. 


End file.
